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You are the butter to my bread, the breath to my life!

Pictured: Some of my favorite bread spreads - crème fraîche with cracked pepper and scallions, sliced olives, aubergine and sun-dried tomato pesto. Missing from the picture: pâté en terrine, anchovy paste, vegemite, crab rilette…and salted butter, forever & always. As you can tell, I’m a bit of a savory person, although I won’t say no to a pot of hazelnut praline paste. 

Today I learnt a couple of things whilst hanging out with Pepé Le Pew and visiting a fancy boulangerie. Buttery flakey pains au chocolat for breakfast with a french hottie, I have to say I’ve done nothing to deserve this… NOTHING! Having repeatedly cut my gums accidentally on french baguette, I asked P for advice on eating my favorite blood-thirsty loaf.

Apparently, I’ve been doing it wrong the entire time but before I continue, I feel like I must clarify that this post is not a giant analogy about sexual mouth favors to french guys.

Les Faux Pas qu’il ne Faut pas faire - The rules of eating a baguette.

1. Don’t bother with slicing the baguette, just tear it off with your hands into bite-sized pieces, dramatically reducing the likely-hood of razor sharp bread crust shredding your mouth

2. When pairing your bread with a shared cheese board, clean the knife in between cheese (is there a plural term for cheese?!) It’s a cardinal first world sin to mix blue cheese with brie.

3. It’s okay to dig into the quignon (knob end) of a loaf fresh from the bakery on the walk home. You’re still a pig but people won’t judge you as much for it. 

4. If you’re working on a piece of bread, leave the leftover on the table, not on your plate.

5. Never keep a baguette for longer than a day. I’ve verified this - it turns from a delicious stick of bread to a dangerous zombie-kill worthy biodegradable weapon unfit for human consumption.